It’s Friday and you know what that means, Fiction Friday! This weeks prompt from Write Anything was “My husband doesn’t know, but he will soon”.
When I read the prompt, the first two ideas that came to mind were discarded. I wanted to try and work a story wasn’t too predictable and went with something I thought might be unique and interesting.
Like usual, I got into this story and quickly realized that it was growing rapidly. I found myself wanting to describe scenes vividly but was quickly running out of time. In my mind, this piece should have been considerably longer to detail more of the story. Instead I felt rushed in spots and the pacing feels out of whack.
The final product came in right around twelve-hundred words. Give it a read and let me know what you think. I like the premise of the story but think that the execution of some scenes were lacking.
Fiction Friday #153 – One Last Goodbye
“My husband doesn’t know, but he will soon.”
“Next up we have Bob Marley and the Wailers with Three birds” Kelly turned the stereo down in a huff and reached for the Blackberry vibrating at her hip. It had been a long day at the office and traffic was not making the commute home any easier.
Cloudy skies gave way and small droplets of rain were speckling the windshield. With every swipe of the windshield wipers the car was filled with the terrible sound of rubber dragging across glass. “Any harder and these stupid things would be quieter, any softer and I wouldn’t need them all” she remarked to herself before answering the phone.
“What can I do for you Stacy?”
“The file is in my office, you’ll find it setting out, I was working on it before I left”
“Alright, see you bright and early on Monday”. Just as she uttered the last words she ended the call and tossed the phone on her passenger seat. Reaching forward, she turned up the stereo to catch what was left of Thee Birds.
Before Kelly could begin singing along her phone beeped to alert her of a new message. With a roll of the eyes and a loud sigh, she reach over and picked up her phone to read the last email of the day before unplugging herself from the grid and spending a romantic evening with her husband.
Before she could finish reading, the car filled with the headlights of an oncoming vehicle. Suddenly a horn was blowing and Kelly found herself tossing her phone aside to grasp the wheel. Before she had time to react adrenaline flooded her body and time began to slow.
In her chest, she felt a single beat of her heart and calmness washed over her. The bright lights of a large truck moved towards her. There was a thud as she watched, with great precision, the hood of her vehicle begin to lift and crinkle. A crack spread from the driver side of the windshield and spread horizontally to the passenger size. It was remarkable to see such a thing in such great detail. A tiny smile crept onto Kelly’s face as the crash unfolded
Another beat of her heart thumped in her chest. Glancing away from the spreading crack in the windshield, she watched the driver-side window flex and ripple before cascading into hundreds of small glass cubes. Light glinted off of the tiny pieces of glass as they approached her face. The sight was amazing, she felt her smile broaden.
Her heart hammered yet again in her chest as the glass cubes kissed her warm flesh. Each passing cube left a shallow pink trail as they moved across her face. There was a pressure as he hands were forced away from the steering wheel and a white powder filled the car.
Time returned to normal for but an instant when the air bag suddenly slammed into her bloodied face. Upon impact she felt the car rise under her and begin twisting towards the passenger door. Kelly was pinned by the pressure of the air-bag and her cinched seat-belt as the car went airborn.
In a moment, all was still. The car rested leisurely on its side. Kelly’s passed through the driver-side window and rested on the wet street. The air-bag hung limply in front of her. Short hammering breaths passed through her lips, creating tiny pink bubbles in the mixture of rain water and blood. A tear rolled down her cheek and joined the pink foam as she thought of her loving husband patiently waiting for her at home.
In the distance there were cries for help. Kelly was still, breaths coming slower now. Time slowed as she heard the hurried footsteps growing closer. A low buzz began to fill her ears. A bright white light burst before her eyes. When the burst faded, Kelly found herself standing on her doorstep.
Raindrops popped against her leather jacket. A low grumbling in the sky brought her mind back to focus. As if nothing happened, she reached for the doorknob and entered her home. She was greeted by the aroma of food, the soft sound of music, and the loving warmth of home.
Kelly stood in the entry watching her husband set the table with dinner he prepared for them. From across the house, they looked into each others eyes and smiled. In a fluid motion she removed her jacket and allowed it to drop to the floor. She kicked off her shoes and made her way across the warm hardwood floor.
She kissed Nathan gently on the cheek and took his hand in hers. With a sly smile she turned and lead him away from the table and up the stairs.
A time later they lay breathing heavily in a tangle of covers. Nathan’s moist hair nestled gently against her breast and she layer on her back. Nathan’s head climbed and fell to the rhythm of her deep breathing. A tear rolled down her cheek as she weakly spoke “My love, I’m afraid this is our last night together.”
Nathan stirred slightly and mumbled to her “I love you to dear, forever and always”
Nathan opened his eyes slowly and began to stretch. A smile spread over his face at the fond thoughts of that past evening with Kelly. Pulling his head out from under his pillow, brightness of the sun filed room made him wince. She shuffled towards Kelly’s side of the bed to wrap his arms around her. To his surprise, her side of the bed was empty. The slight warmth of her pillow told him that she must be downstairs in the kitchen.
He rolled out of bed, tossed on his robe and made his way downstairs. At the entry, Kelly’s coat and shoes were picked up and last nights dinner remained, untouched, on the table. He strode into the kitchen and it, like the bed, was empty. It wasn’t unusual for Kelly to step out in the morning to get a paper and coffee.
He shuffled across the house and peered out the front door. Kelly’s car was missing from her usual street parking spot. Yet another sign that she must have stepped out before he woke up and started his day.
With a smile on his face and a spring in his step, Nathan made his way towards the kitchen while thinking “No sense waiting, might as well have breakfast while I wait for her”
While pouring himself a bowl of cereal, Nathan turned on the television to watch the morning news. Scenes of a terrible crashed flashed across the screen as he stood at the breakfast bar scooping cereal from his bowl.
“Police worked through the night to clear an accident between a Honda Civic and a Suzuki Box Truck. The driver of the truck was taken to an area hospital where he was listed in stable condition. The driver of the car, a Mrs Kelly Rosemont, was pronounced dead at the scene”.
At the mention of Kelly’s name, Nathan choked on his cereal as images of her car filled the screen. Nathan dropped his bowl of cereal and began to shift restlessly at the breakfast bar. The glass bowl shattered. Waves of milk carried the shards of glass into the floor. With Nathan’s restless passing and whimpering to himself, the milk frothy milk turned pink as the shards of glass bit into his shifting feet.
Please visit the comment section, located at the head of this post, and leave me some feedback. I would greatly appreciate it!
Motorcycle Group Ride: A Collaboration Between WaltInPA and Goofy Bastard
One of my favorite things about the WaltInPA Discord Server is that we meet for Motorcycle Group Rides several times throughout the riding season. Sometimes these rides are short spur-of-the-moment...
Yamaha MT-09 SP Review: Uncovering the Benefits of Yamaha's New Hypernaked Motorcycle
In the summer of 2021, I stumbled upon an advert for the new generation Yamaha MT-09 SP. The video hooked me, and I must have watched it a dozen times over a few days. I knew that when it was time to...
6 thoughts on “Fiction Friday #153 – One Last Goodbye”
Hey there Walt,
the section that grabbed me most of all was the description of the car accident. It gave it a cinematic quality, as if playing out in slow motion.
It’s also a nice interplay between the characters, establishing the relationship as the crux of the piece and as the fulcrum for the end. The supernatural element works well.
I was trying to make the car crash scene stand out and seem as though it was playing in slow motion. I’m glad it worked out that way.
Thanks for the comment.
Hey, that’s crazy we had the same (ish) idea. I agree with Adam, the crash itself was brilliantly described, as I read it I was seeing it all happen. This is one of my favourite pieces of yours 🙂
I’m glad you enjoyed it. I can’t wait to read yours (was away all weekend).
Thanks for the comment
There seems to be a consensus forming here. I, too, loved the imagery of the car crash, the smile that was so out of place to the circumstances. I liked how you gave them one last night together. The only thing that stuck out to me was the ending, when he hears her name on the TV. They would never give out that information before informing the family. I like the idea of him watching the TV, then having a knock on the door and a police officer waiting for him. Other than that tiny tweak, I think his reaction was spot on.
That is an excellent point and a huge mistake in the piece. As I got near the end I was ready to be finished with the piece. I wanted it to be dramatic without too much extra dialog. I also wanted to tie in the “frothy pink blood/water and frothy pink blood/milk” mixture together and the television part was the simplest way to go.
If this piece is ever edited, I’ll definitely be re-shaping the ending to a scene that is more realistic. I think the police at the door or a phone call would work well.
Thank for the comment!
Comments are closed.